Temp-orary Insanity

Yesterday was a tears in the bathroom day.

I woke up with a headache, broke my glasses and spent the day in meetings. Not a stellar work day, but everyone has them once in a while. The thing that put me over the edge, was when I got home at 4:45 to find my kids eating lunch.

Yes, lunch. Their 2nd meal of the day was being consumed 8 hours after they'd been given breakfast by my husband. See, Dear A is on vacation again. And it's painful for everyone.

Because this vacation exceeds her contract, it's unpaid leave. We have a friend of Dear A's watching the kids for us a few hours each day, and have arranged shortened work days/alternate hours to cover off the rest, but she's charging a higher hourly rate. Dear A's making less and we're paying more. Painful, sure, but something I had sorted out and accepted.

The pain I'd forgotten (or blocked out maybe?) was the insanity around having a new caregiver in the mix. For some reason, I was thinking, "Ok, 2 weeks, no biggie. The kids know her, she's recommended...." instead of "Ok, I now have to train a new nanny, learn how to best communicate with a new person, re-sort out the dynamics of 3 caregivers in the house and so on and so on...." This blank on my part has resulted in backwards diapers, a runaway dog and the aforementioned food-less day for my kids. That's the part that really got to me yesterday - when my air-eater kid finally breaks down and asks for lunch you know he's really, really hungry. Realizing that, I felt like a really shitty mom. And had to hide in the bathroom for a quick cry.

When you work at home, who's the boss?

On the days I work from home, we have a pretty good system worked out. I'm usually a floor away from my kids, all baby monitors are shut off, and they usually head outside for part of the time. I have run into those moments though - when you're home and you can hear the kids acting out, and the nanny having to deal out some form of discipline. (Or not.)

So what's a work at home parent to do?

My usual stance is, "I'm not here." To be true to my work, and in my mind, honour the situation. I have to treat my at-home desk the same as my at-work desk. When I'm in the office, I can't hear what's happening with the kids, or how the nanny is handling a situation. The home office needs to be the same.

...I fell off that wagon today.

I could hear K spinning into a full-blown tantrum/fit and the baby screaming as lunch time approached. Dear A was doing her best, but there are days when life comes together into the hurricane and there's nothing you can do. So, I stepped in. I calmed K down and reminded him of the rules around our house. I honestly wasn't doing it to interfere. I wanted to help. But, afterwards, as I returned to my desk I wondered if I'd overstepped. I wondered if by stepping in I'd made it worse for Dear A in the long run.

I don't know the answer. I mean, I suppose, the situation is the same for all parents who have childcare, whether its mid-day or end of day, parents and caregivers each live the consequences of the others "parenting" choices.

It takes a village, right?

Alberta's Best Mama Bloggers

The last two weeks have been tough. We've got K into his pre-K routine, but he's not loving it yet, and really, neither am I. As is typical for fall, work has ramped up too. On one hand, I love the energy and creativity when business and communications planning ramps up in the fall, but on the other hand, I am brain drained.

So, as you can see, the blogging has been slow. So has the tweeting. (You can find me @shosized) I've been working on keeping my head above the water of school calendar, birthdays, Halloween, bill payments, business plans, dry cleaning, baby food making, garden harvesting... ergh, that reminds me I've got to find out what the family & inlaw thanksgiving plans are...giving thanks...still have to write the thank you cards from Baby Girls party....where was I? Oh yes, drowning.

I did get a life preserver though, a little bit of sunshine that reminded me how much I love this blog, love having this outlet, and that there are many many of us in the same boat out there.

I made the top 5 in Modern Mama Musing's list of Alberta's Best Mama Bloggers!

I really recommend checking out the list, each blogger is funny, frank and worth reading! Thanks Modern Mama! And thanks readers! xoxo!

PS: Baby Girl is now crawling. This makes working at home very very easy. Simple, really.
PPS: Yes, I am now using my prego-pillow as desk leg padding.

Pre-K for my Baby K

We took K to his first day of pre-Kindergarten today. It was "kinda hard." His words. My feelings.

With all the books, puzzles, crafts, and a brand-new playground, I don't think the day was all that hard for K. It was a short morning of singing and playing with his best bud S. He got to use "zissors," which Mummy never allows at home.* And, he had us in tow to help with indoor shoes and cubbies.

It was definitely hard for me.

It was hard to not be furious with K's dad when he mentioned, the night before, all the things K needed for school. (More so, since I had had to miss the orientation meeting due to work.) It was hard to get us organized to be clothed, fed and out the door on time, even with Dear A to watch the baby girl. Most of all, it was hard to see my little baby boy at the playground surrounded by older kids on recess. He looked so tiny.

The next class is un-parented. I think it might be "kinda hard" on both of us.

*In my defense, we have stainless-steel-chop-through-a-raw-dead-bird scissors, so its not like I'm being crazy paranoid.

F*CK

Here's what happens when you have to beg and borrow childcare:

Tonight, K told me about "nuts."

"Its a Shhh bad word," that so-and-so's friend told him. I didn't get a clear picture of what else went down (talking to my 3 year old often reminds of my attempts to get subway directions in Turkey) but the gist implied an off colour conversation, and possibly a demonstration, with some older kids at the park. This was Day 2 of what is essentially an all week play date, because Dear A is away, and we both had to work. And now I'm left feeling annoyed, angry, and guilty.

I'm waffling between taking the next two days off to take care of him myself (which would wreak havoc on work) or having an uncomfortable and possibly ineffective (due to the hazy understanding of what really went down) conversation with the two nannies who are supervising the play date this week. Don't get me wrong, I think both are fantastic caregivers. I just think maybe the huge group care wasn't the best solution. Or maybe I'm just feeling guilty for not being at the park to help my kid navigate a situation that made him uncomfortable.

And so... F*CK!!

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Nanny is Back. Mondays Suck.

Mondays suck because the nanny is back. Not because of Dear A. She's wonderful at her job. But if she is here, it means I'm not. After a weekend of piling everyone into our bed to read Grumpy Bird and picnic lunches beside the Thomas table, I will sit at my laptop while Dear A plays with  K and cuddles MC.

These days it's beyond working mom guilt to life guilt.

My kid has a Filipina accent. On Sunday...funny. On Monday...guilt.

My kid doesn't need his portable potty seat anymore. On Sunday... glad someone else deals with his shit most of the time. On Monday...guilt.

My baby will only take a bottle from Dear A. On Sunday... relief that I can crack a beer! On Monday... guilt.

Nanny Upgrade & Poll: What to do about Baby #2

So, I had our 2nd baby 4 months ago....

A baby girl. She's amazing! She's gorgeous, funny, smart and kind of looks like Winston Churchill. Amazing. I spend hours each day amazed. It means so much to me to be home to see her each day. I really missed out, going back to work so soon with K.

Luckily, this time, I've been able to structure it so I only work a few hours a day, from home, around Mini Churchill (MC)'s naps. I'm happy. She's happy. It's working. But its not going to work forever.

I've only got about 7 more months of this pseudo maternity leave leeway. And even now, I do occasionally need to leave her with Dear A so I can take a conference call or meeting. At this point MC isn't difficult. She's cuddly and I'm taking care of diaper and boob milk duty, so its mostly just fun. But, I have started to consider how to eventually transition her full-time into Dear A's care.

He Likes Me, He Really Likes Me!

K cries when people leave him. He cries when we drop his aunt and uncle off after carpooling to family dinner. He cries when his grandparents head for the door after a quick visit. Most of all, K cries (bawls) when Dear A is done for the day. Huge tears, lots of pathetic “Nooo, my A. My AAAAA….” It’s extremely tragic and devastating.

The only farewell that doesn’t bring the tears each day is when we (Mommy and Daddy) leave for work. Equally tragic and devastating, but this time, for me.

He used to cry when we left and while most of me was relieved when he outgrew it, I can admit that part of me was sad. Add the histrionics everyone else gets on departure and lately it’s been a bit gutting.  But today, everything changed.

In the News - Some Good News for Parent Guilt

A New York Times online article reports

"that the amount of child care time spent by parents at all income levels — and especially those with a college education — has risen “dramatically” since the mid-1990s."

Now that's the kind of news I like to read!

Toilet Train Derailed

I’ve been avoiding toilet training. I’ve been going through the motions – bought a potty, training pants, books for K, and me. I've done just enough not to be labeled a total dead-beat mom, but I haven’t really committed. And so, of course, neither has K.

I haven't committed because, I have no idea what I’m doing. And, I have no idea how to toilet train as a team sport. Dear A has never toilet trained a child. So, I’m facing educating myself, educating her and then tackling K.

Part of me is hoping he'll just figure it out, while I’m trying to figure it out. Should I take time off and just make him go cold turkey, or continue the slower approach but put Dear A in charge? Is it a bad idea to try this a month before a road trip? Is K even ready? Am I?

Am I? That’s another issue. K sleeps in a crib/daybed and is still in diapers. I think part of me wants him to stay my baby.

Argh!!! I’d appreciate advice on all of this. Or, if you’d like to come stay for a week and toilet train K, I’d appreciate that too.

Nanny and the Easter Bunny

I feel like a bit of a heel today. I'm not sure if I actually offended Dear A. I definitely came across as kind of ignorant. Which I am…. especially when it comes to religion.

If pressed to qualify, I’m a Hindu. K’s daddy is Anglican and K, like everything else in his life is both. We’re mostly non-practicing, though. We don’t go to church regularly or address anyone specifically in our prayers. Dear A, on the other hand, is a practicing Catholic. She attends church every Sunday, and is very strong in her faith.

According to the retail calendar, its Easter. All the commercials and in store displays got me thinking about themes for crafts, so I asked Dear A to help K pick out some library books about Easter. Then I clarified, “Books about the Easter bunny.” While I didn’t actually say “No Jesus books please,” I still feel like a heel.

A Different Kind of Guilt - Referrals

I have a fantastic relationship with my nanny placement agency. The owner/principal is a friend and former neighbour. I recommend her wholeheartedly whenever someone asks “Where did you find your nanny?”

About a year ago I recommended the agency to someone in our lives, who I will call Anonymous. Our relationship is already a touchy situation – I don’t always get along with her etc, but its not like you can lie or demure on the question when someone knows pretty much everything about you. So I told the truth and then immediately called my friend the agent to apologize, provide fair-warning etc.

Fast forward a few months:

Not Having a Mom Group Disconnect

One of cons of having a nanny is that you sort of end up lacking a mom group. This is especially noticeable when you’re home with your kid for a prolonged period, like 3 weeks for example.

I went back to work 2 months after K was born, part time at first, and with flexible hours, but never flexible enough to accommodate the usual mid-week, mid-morning mom group activities. I have a few friends with kids, but my closest friends are either TTC or they’re just not there yet. As a result, I have to admit, I’m missing something.

This was very apparent yesterday, when I lost my “Moms - we’re all in this together” perspective. While running errands with K, I encountered a mom with a 4 or 5 year old, who parked her huge SUV too close to my car for me to get K out of his car seat. When I asked her to move her car over to any of the 3 empty spots next to us, she replied, "I'll just be a minute".  I wanted to slap her. Or run her over, since K was still safe in this car seat.

Instead, as we tend to do these days, I turned to the Internet to share my rage. This is what I posted:

Poll - Paying Fines

I’m annoyed. And I’m annoyed that I’m annoyed. And I’m annoyed because if my mom reads this post, she’ll probably pee herself laughing at further proof that the whole “I hope your kids do this when you grow up, and then you’ll learn…” thing has panned out for her.

Took K to the library today, an activity usually reserved for him and Dear A, and discovered a large amount in unpaid fines. The amount was significant enough that I couldn’t borrow anything else without paying it off. Seems that K and Dear A have returned a bunch of books late and even misplaced a few.

I’m debating how to deal with this. Do I just pay the fines and get over it? After all, K is my responsibility, and I should have noticed extra books around the house. Or, do I ask Dear A to pay, since I explained Due Dates and Late Fees when we got the card? I’m leaning towards the former, partly because Dear A’s away for 3 weeks and by the time she returns it will be old news etc.

Give me your opinion? I’ve set up a poll in the sidebar today. Vote, and if you have more to say, add it in the comments below.

Careful what you wish for....

Posting will be light for the next bit. K’s still very sick, seems to have passed it on to me and Dear A departed for her holidays yesterday. I’ve got my hands full.

Am wondering how Dear A's vacation will go for us. K’s not quite old enough to get the concept, but has, as of late, had grandparents leave on a 5-month vacation, and now Dear A. When she said goodbye yesterday, poor K was in bed with a 40-degree fever. I’m not even sure it registered with him.

I’m wondering if the poor kid is a bit “Forrest Gump”ed right now, and thinks vacation is “when you leave and never come back.” Getting him ready for our next vacation will definitely be telling.

The Day I Hate Having A Nanny

Yesterday was the kind of day I hate having a nanny.

K was sick. He’d had a wet, in his chest, cough for 2 days. He has also inherited my cough-to-gag-to-puke-guts-out reflex. This makes for a pretty sad little man who needs a lot of cuddles. Thing is, he wasn’t cuddling with me. He was with Dear A while I managed back-to-back meetings, co-workers from out of town and wrote a project plan.

Dear A does a great job of taking care of K, but its not the way I would take care of him. Even though he’s sick, they’ve been pretty much doing the usual day-to-day stuff: library, park, play dates - none of which allows for the extra napping I think he needs. But what I think is based on what? Mommy-gut-instinct?

The Potty-Mouth Problem

During one of our recent 'end of day' hand-off conversations, Dear A, quietly mentioned that K had used some "bad words" while they were out. I was mortified. Horrified.

Not about K's potty-mouth - I’m well aware that we, Captain F-Bomb and Mrs Sh*tSh*tSh*t, have spawned a 2 year old with a pretty colourful vocabulary and the wherewithal to use it. Nope, I was mortified that Dear A, our polite, church going, never utters a harsh word, nanny, had been out in public with K, King of the Swears.

I guess they’d been at the library and after dropping a book off the shelf K had very clearly stated, “Oh Sh*t!” When reprimanded, he burst into tears, melted into a tantrum and generally caused a scene. Dear A comforted him, calmed him down, and moved him along to another activity. Later that same outing, when he slipped at the mall play park, K dropped the F-Bomb.

Friday FAQ - Where are you?

No, that's not the question I'm going to answer. Its a call to you, dear readers (and I know its mostly family and friends right now, but still.) Please send me your questions. Otherwise Fridays are going to be really, really boring! I've got a panel of experts lined up and waiting:

• the owner of a full-service nanny agency
• a payroll specialist
• a family doctor
• a financial planner

Post your questions in the comments below or email me at shortysho{at}hotmail.com

Since I don't have a question to answer, and I didn't blog yesterday, I thought I'd add a post-script to a topic I mentioned this week. I've been worried, ever since our Dear A won 20,000 Air Miles, about having to deal with additional vacation requests. (Click here for the background) Well, a request came, but not from Dear A.

Good News for the Nanny Guilt?

Survey results highlighted in a press release issued yesterday indicate that,

"children with a nanny are less plugged into computers, iPods and video games than the national trend." 

Yay! I'm all over these results, totally happy to accept this tidbit against my flood tide of nanny guilt. Then, the sceptic, communications professional in me has a few rebellious thoughts:

• The "national trend"refers to the USA, so maybe it doesn't pertain to Canada? Nah, close enough, I can swallow that one.
• The survey was conducted by Nannies4hire.com an online database services that match families with caregivers. The survey results kind of help sell their service.... Ok, well I can chalk that up to a "grain of salt."

In the end, I'm still a "Yay!" My personal experience supports their results. K watches more TV with me and his dad than with Dear A. Hmm...that thought has dropped me back into guilt. Great.

Nanny Guilt 101

Here’s a lesson for anyone considering a nanny. You will have to resolve your Nanny Guilt. While this could be considered a side-bar of Working Mom Guilt*, I think it deserves a place of its own in the guilt universe. There are many aspects of Nanny Guilt that don’t involve work, ranging from the classic, “my child loves the nanny more than they love me,” to more modern concerns “my nanny has more family photos of my kid on her phone than I do on mine.” I think its pretty safe to say, though, that all of it stems from the insecurity that having a nanny makes you less of mommy.

So, how do you resolve Nanny Guilt?