27 June 2011

Nanny is Back. Mondays Suck.

Mondays suck because the nanny is back. Not because of Dear A. She's wonderful at her job. But if she is here, it means I'm not. After a weekend of piling everyone into our bed to read Grumpy Bird and picnic lunches beside the Thomas table, I will sit at my laptop while Dear A plays with  K and cuddles MC.

These days it's beyond working mom guilt to life guilt.

My kid has a Filipina accent. On Sunday...funny. On Monday...guilt.

My kid doesn't need his portable potty seat anymore. On Sunday... glad someone else deals with his shit most of the time. On Monday...guilt.

My baby will only take a bottle from Dear A. On Sunday... relief that I can crack a beer! On Monday... guilt.

Even worse than the daily guilt, I'm making parenting choices that go against what we really believe, against the way we aimed to raise our kids. MC's still sleeping in our room because I don't want to give up midnight cuddles. For that matter, I'm letting K into our bed earlier and earlier each morning (4AM...) because I like the time with him. And I don't even want to think about all the toys and treats he's gotten because I feel guilty.

But who am I to complain when I choose to work right? Thing is, I think I don't really choose to work. I could probably maintain my mental faculties and adult conversation skills by volunteering or something. But I chose a life, a home, that requires I work. Before that I chose a career that pays more than my husband's. I chose to marry him. I chose to have kids. When I really think about it I chose this 20 years ago when I agreed with my parents that school was important and chose to get an education to get a job.

Do I get a pass because I chose career before I really knew what choosing a career would mean? Do I need to rethink what I'm teaching my kids by choosing work and having Dear A watch them? Today, this sucky Monday, I think I do. If I was loving work I'd have something to show them, right? But how do I justify leaving them with a nanny when both ther dad and I don't like going to work these days. I'm sure even at this age they sense it. So what do I do? If I'm serious about the NEWmom tenet I need to choose work. Really choose it again, make it something I love not something that is paying the bills. I guess admitting is the first step.

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