Trust vs Control: What's the Right Way to Let Go?

As part of my NannyEnabledWorkingMom (NEWMom) effort to let go of my mom guilt and reduce some of my burden during this pregnancy, I was trying to be less controlling. My basic theory: You can’t let go of the “I’ve abandoned my child” thoughts if you don’t trust your caregiver. And, since you’ve chosen your caregiver, you should be able to give up control with no worries, right?

Well, it backfired on me recently, this mantra. I discovered that Dear A took K, on the bus, to the far south west of the city (we live centrally) on an unplanned, and worse still, personal errand.

Once the “if something had happened, I wouldn’t have known where he was…” panic subsided, I realized that while I have to give up micro-managing. I can’t give up managing.

The only way this whole guilt-free NEWMom manifesto is going to work is if we’ve made our expectations, rules, and intentions clear before handing over our children.

When K was a baby, we had a daily journal for Dear A and me to compare notes on how many ounces of milk he consumed, how many dirty diapers etc. I don’t know that this approach is practical for an older child. Instead, I’ve decided to come up with an updated weekly sheet where I can jot down my few notes for each day and open up the dialogue again on K’s day to day.

Email me if you'd like a copy of my test sheet. I’d love your feedback, comments etc.

We'll see how this goes. In the meantime, I'm going to keep repeating my mantra....

Baby on Board or Let the Nanny Poaching Begin

About 5 months ago, I started telling people I was pregnant with Baby #2.

I got a lot of the expected responses: "Yay!" "Congrats!" "Figured!" (that one coming from any one of my friends who saw me turn down a drink) and one that I hadn't really expected,

"What are you doing with your nanny?"

I had expected people to ask about maternity leave, since I hadn't been eligible last time. But, the nanny question wasn't a segue into mat leave. It was most often asked with a eye-gleam that automatically made me want to hide Dear A in the basement...

Not that I should be surprised, right? I mean, I even wrote an article a few months back about the effect of changes to the Live In Caregiver program and how I thought it could result in this type of scenario. But I didn't think it would happen that fast.

So far I've been asked out to lunch or coffee 3 times for nanny-related conversation, plus another 3 email messages. In all of the situations people were looking for advice or info, but were also wondering if I'd be willing to share (lend out?) my nanny during my mat leave. I thought about it, but the paperwork and logistics just seemed too complicated and risky... so, here I am, about to give birth again and looking at a short mat leave (just 4 months before I start working part time) so that we can keep Dear A.

Its the right decision for us, because I enjoy my work, and really think K will adjust to his new sibling better if we don't rip his best friend out of his life at the same time, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit we were influenced by the changes to the Live in Caregiver program and the shortage of good affordable childcare in the city. At least, I hope its the right decision. Ask me in April?

I'm Baaack!

I'm sorry its been months since my last post. I've thought about you pretty regularly but between the pregnancy and work, I just felt like I didn't have the mental or physical energy to write the way I wanted. Its bothered me, upset me really, that I shut off one of my favorite things in life, an important outlet for me. Then recently, a very smart person said to me, "You are so backwards - if you shut down the things you like, that inspire you and give you energy, you feel worse! Don't be so hard on yourself. Write what you want, when you can." And, well, they were right. Instead of having this fun outlet for my thoughts and feelings and concerns, I was just stewing about them late at night. Dumb dumb dumb.

So, I'm back. I may not post consistently, but I'll share as much as I can as often as I can. Its not like life with nanny, and all its challenges, stopped during the past 5 months. Believe me I have a lot to share! Talk to you soon!

Working Mom and the Nanny Doppelganger

Nope, not the title of a comic book... just a slice of my life.

Despite the fact that the weather hasn't been great, I went through that whole Spring - Summer - need to tidy - thing again. Sorted out the closets, cupboards, freezer etc. It was a weird one for me this year, not just because its the first time in 5 years where we haven’t just moved or aren’t about to move, but because I came face to face with a new reality after this year's big purge:

I have a thinner, fitter doppelganger.

Basically, I finally gave up and gave everything that no longer fits me post-baby to Dear A. Now I regularly get to see some of my favorite old outfits on someone who can still pull them off. Annoying.

Maybe I'm just tired, you can probably tell by the frequency of my posts lately, things are busy at home and work, but its tough to see your favorite sweater and cute shoes heading to the park to hang with your favorite little man, while you drag your laptop to the airport for another business trip.

Ok, done complaining. Thanks for listening.

Hump Day Distraction - Me!!

Guess what? I wrote an article about K's dad and its been published over at Yummy Mummy Club. So, yes, today's post is kind of self serving, but hey, its my blog, technically the whole thing is self serving!

As you've likely seen on my blogroll, I follow the Yummy Mummy Club site. Its a funny, cheeky, all-encompassing look at life as a Yummy Mummy (or aspiring Yummy Mummy.) This month they are featuring articles written by and for modern fathers that reflect the changing tide in men's attitudes and actions, especially when it comes to Daddyhood. With K cared for by his dad on paternity leave during the first 7 months of his life, this topic is near and dear to my heart.

Before I loved having our nanny, I got to love being married to a Stay At Home Dad!

From my YummyMummyClub.ca article "Passing the Dad Test":

When we were dating, and I got that warm fuzzy feeling that my husband might be The One, I started doing what any normal Type A, uber-planner would do: I wondered what he’d be like as a dad.
Ok, I did more than wonder. I made a list of criteria and then tested him against them. (What? I like lists. Leave me alone.)  Anyway, my then boyfriend of 8 months measured up pretty well... (Read More)

 Happy Hump Day!

Post-vacation Hangover

We're back from our vacation, and I've nearly recovered from the post-vacation. Once we returned from Vancouver, I gave Dear A the rest of the week off.

Because my dear hubby was off doing army stuff, I had K to myself for 5 straight days. Day 1: Awesome. I missed him sooo much after a week away that even the tantrums were endearing. By Day 3 the novelty had worn off and I was trying to remember why leaving my parents in charge had seemed like such a good idea. While we were gone, the grandparents decided that K should have fresh cooked turkey sausage with his breakfast. Thanks for setting that bar Mom and Dad.... 2 days into toast and eggs with me and K was asking to call his grandparents first thing in the AM. I suspect, to cajole them into bringing him the good food.

Anyway, TGIM. Dear A's back and we're slowly getting K used to the fact that he has parents again.

*Photo Footnote: Unlike the grandparents, my brother and sister-in-law were the kind of babysitters I like. They roped K into child labour as soon as they got him!

In My Mind, I'm Much More Important

K woke up to his grandparents today.  Its Day 1 of our vacation, and K's home with his Didi (grandma) and Dadu (grandpa.)

I was so worried about K's potential morning meltdown that I wrapped up 6 surprises for him, one for each morning we're gone. Each bag is numbered, and I explained that when he opens #6, we'll come home. Inside the surprises range from a inflatable "Diego" to giant sunglasses. (Thank goodness for the Dollar Store!)

All that effort, time and care... for naught. K woke up this morning, asked for me, cried for about 20 seconds and then completely forgot about us when he got his bottle and Thomas the Train.

When I called home around 8:30am. He said "Hi Momma" and "Thank you, lub you." and then gave the phone back to his Dadu so he could finish breakfast.

I guess, that's that. I'm on vacation. K's fine with his grandparents and Dear A. Talk to you in a week!